"A special stranger is entering your orbit, so be watchful for a special someone who makes you feel especially alive and well. You've been seeking such a person, and he or she looks quite similar to your mental picture, so it shouldn't be too difficult to spot him or her across a crowded room. Tame impulses that might lead you to be selfish, demanding or abrasive." Who or who could that person be? Any takers? Ha ha ha ha.

- - - - - - - -

Reach out your hand
Calmly caress the questions of doubt and fear
Embrace the doubts which make you stronger
Trust in the intangible truth that washes clear your eyes

I merely hold out my hand and reach for your faith
Look into my eyes, and see the truth of tomorrow
Peruse the bible of your soul and believe the meaning of trust
I am ready to receive your trust, love, and kindness

You are those images of tomorrow
Like an image that fades with the dawning of a new day
An ideal of what can be and what could be
Close your eyes and fall, fall for me

I'm hanging by this moment
No expectations, no useless hoping, just a wish for a possibility
I feel like I've known you all my life
Not my soulmate, not my future, merely someone who shares in the possibility

Forgive me my fears, forgive me my doubts
I am merely human who loves and brings the things which love brings

Tuesday; May 15, 2001; 3:00am AT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTINE!

- - - - - - - -

First Name: Kevin
Last Name: Random
Nationality: Filipino (Chinese/Portuguese mix)
BirthPlace: Quezon City
Hometown: Walnut/Diamond Bar
Birthday: February 2, 1979
Birth Time: Morning(?)
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
Skin Color: Dark Tan
Boyfriend/Girlfriend?: No Boyfriend
Place On Your Body You Want To Be Pierced: Cartilage
Color You Want to Dye Your Hair: Highlights
Kind of Tattoo and Where: Filipino flag (or other OG design) between should blades
Members in Family: Mom, Stepdad, Dad, two older siblings
Pets: None
Best Friends: Lillian, Regina, Justine, Wendy
Funniest Person You Know: Sheryl Lynn Quintos
Fav Movies: Forrest Gump, My Best Friend's Wedding, The Princess Bride, Princess Mononoke
Fav TV Shows: Pokemon, Digimon, The Simpson's, Card Captors, Batman Bayond
Fav Cartoons: See above
Fav Disney Movies: The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast
Fav Animals: Dogs
What Kind of Music Do You Like: R&B, Rap, Trance, Happy Hardcore, Tagalog
Musical Instruments: Violin (but I don't play)
Do You Sing in the Shower: Yes
Words/Phrases You Overuse: "Bitch" (pardon my french) "Ewwwww" "You swear..."
Languages You Speak: Tagalog, Spanish, French, English
McDonald's, Carl's, or Burger King: None
Pizza Hut or Domino's: No Preference
Fav Foods: Filipino, Chinese
Fav Candy: Snickers
Fav Drink: Coke, Pepsi, Frapuccino
Are You a Good listener: Very
Fav Sports: Tennis, Cross Country
1 or 2 Pillows: 4
What Do You Sleep In: Shorts and Undershirt
What's Under Your Bed: Stuff
What Color is Your Toothbrush: Green and White
Fav Brand of Gum: Icebursts
Fav Vacation Place: My bed
Place You Want to Live: New york, San Francisco, townhouse in Diamond Bar
3 of Your Fav Girls Names: Caitlin, Sheila, Trina
3 of Your Fav Boys Names: Ryan, Jake, Alex
number of Kids You Want: 3
Fav Subject: Creative Writing
Future School: Undecided
Your Major: English
Occupation You Are Seeking: Social Work, Writer
Fav Colors: Green, Blue, Orange
Fav Room: Bedroom
Milk or Chocolate Milk: Both
Your Fav Color M&M and Gummi Bear: Green
Have You Ever Been in Love: Yes
How Many Relationships: 3
Favorite TV show in the 80's: Gummi Bears, Smurfs, Superfriends, Transformers, Go-Bots, Facts Of Life, the Cosby Show, Muppets
Person You Miss: My Family, My future significant other
Hobbies: Playing Video Games, Reading, Writing Stories, Poems, Watching TV, Raving, Dancing
Least Fav Foods: Shellfish (Allergic)
Fav Poem: Anything by Shakespeare
Fav Thing to do in Summer: Chill
What Are You Doing this Summer (besides SPOP): Working
Most Influential Person: My Mom
Fav Alcoholic Drink: Smirnoff Ice
Fav Non-Alcoholic Drink: Tang
Person I Respect the Most: My Mom, Grandma, Myself (one day)
Best Quality: Charm(?!?) Friendliness
Person You Want to Live on a Deserted Island with: My Significant Other
What's Your Bedtime: Anytime between 12-4am
Where Do You Shop: old Navy, Virgin Megastore, Miller's Outpost, IKEA
Fav Flower: Pink, Yellow, White roses, Orchids
Lucky Number: 2 or 7
Dream Car: Mustang Convertible, Landcruiser
If You Could Change Your Name... None
When Do You Want to Get Married: When Same-sex marriages are legalized, when I'm 24
Your Greatest Fear: Being Alone, Not accomplishing my goals
Your Childhood Dream: To be Superman or WonderWoman
Your Worst Life Experience: Having my heart broken
Your Best Life Experience: Living with my family, having friends

I'm so glad I made the friends that I made. I never really felt familial away from home. I guess even at home I never felt that warmth of family. I mean, I know that my family loves me, but I hardly ever felt that warm comforting feeling that makes you feel like you're protected and accepted. It's sad to say that I'm probably more accepted for being gay here at school rather than at my home. I went clubbing tonight, after all our hard work for PCN we threw an after-party. I had to take care of one of my friends who was really drunk, all these guys were trying to hit on her, the bastards... hitting on a drunk girl. COCK-BLOCKED! I was more than happy to take care of her though, it wasn't a chore, it was a privilege. But all through the night I was just barraged with all these compliments and recommendations. My friend said, "You're my favorite Kevin! Tom and I were talking about it and we've decided that you're our favorite." He he he. Quite flattering. Then my drunk friend looked up at me, she smiled, and said something to the effect, "Kevin, thanks for taking care of me, you're such a good friend." And then my friend who was having relationship drama asked for my advice about what she should do, and I told her, "The whole point of being in a relationship is for both party members to be happy. If you are not happy, then it is not an equal relationship. Relationships are supposed to be there to provide you with support that you can't get from friends or family. You need to be patient with your man, but there comes a point in the relationship where you have to say, 'enough is enough.' Yeah, you might like him a lot and he might like you a lot, but you have to realize that he can't treat you or mistreat you in that way because you deserve better. Selfish as it may sound, you have to eventually realize that you have to look out for your own happiness, just be honest with him." So, she looked at me, hugged me, and said something like, "Thanks Kevin, I really appreciate your opinion. I know what I need to do." If only I could take my own advice. Wow, but I did feel special and appreciated. As I was driving home with a couple of friends, I just kept thinking, Fuck, I love these girls, these people. I can't wait until the next time that I will get to see them again.

- - - - - - - -

I need to feel loved...

Slowly but surely my problems are disappearing one by one. Well, I don't really think that they are disappearing, merely out of sight for the moment. Tonight I can at least take a huge sigh of relief. No more problems yet, school problems are being taken care of, money problems are at bay, but relationship problems... I don't think that will ever end. I swear, i don't know what to make of people, it's like they seem like they are willing to care but at the same time they don't. People need to stop lying to themselves and to others. I don't know what goes on in their heads, but I feel that when I open myself up, I leave myself vulnerable and easy to hurt. I guess I should stop doing that, stop giving a fuck about others. Every time I reach out my hand, more often than not, it is thrown right back in my face. Fuck that shit. I hate to sound so bitter, but how can one stand being beat in the head every fucking time. I guess this is the place to take out all my agressions. I just don't understand, am I cursed to like people who don't like me back, or say they do or seem like they do but not really? It's like, I don't know. It would be so much easier if I turned hoe, just hop from guy-to-guy not giving a fuck who I fuckover in the process. But I tried that and it's not me, it really isn't. It made me feel bad and dirty and not worthy of any good regards. I hate it when people tell me that they want to hoe around, it's almost like a personal affront. They want to become people who I don't like, they want to become people who have hurt me. What is that saying? I used to say, "I have so much love to give and no one to give it to," now I'd probably walk up to myself back then and fucking smash my brain in. You don't know what the fuck you're saying. People want this ideal. Not YOU. They always want something better. And I am not saying that I don't have my own hangups about how people look, because I do, but I seriously believe that... Eh, fuck it. I'm running out of steam.

- - - - - - - -

I found this really cool quote today, "I love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart, and passing over all the foolish ...and weak things... and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful and radiant qualities that no one else has looked quite deep enough to find." Why do I like it so much? If you can't figure it out, then you're missing a part of your heart. A very idealistic quote, if I do say so myself. No one is that open-minded.

Honesty... exactly how far should one go with honesty? I think I talked about this before. If you're too honest, it's bad, if you're not honest enough, it's bad. Blah, blah, blah, i'm getting tired of talking. Talking, always talking. No doing. That sounds like a Chinese Fortune Cookie fortune. I've noticed that I've been smoking more than usual, which is not me, I finished a pack in almost two days, that's not good. I hate being so stressed out like this and not having anyone to run to. I mean, I have my friends, but I can only achieve a certain level of comforting from them, I guess, on a very selfish level, I wish I had a boyfriend to run to. Someone to listen to me and understand where I'm coming from. Friends can do that, but I don't know... fawk... FAWK, I see myself going on this wild ride, up and down, up and down... FAWK. FAWK. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. SHIT. FUCK. I have so much tension. I seem like a fucking idiot right now. I'm so ashamed of where I'm heading. Why the fuck should I care what people think about what I'm writing? You don't know me. It's hard keeping up this facade of always being cool and reserved without anyone really understanding. And even the ones you thought COULD understand, are just standing there by the sidelines. But that's assuming something that I know nothing about. FUCK this. I don't know what's going to happen. I've never been so scared in my life in so long. That's what it is... it's fear. I fear getting kicked out of school. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. I fear that I'm not going to be a success. I fear that I'm going to get played. FEAR! I'm talking like a madman... Whatever, I'm allowed my little indiscretions.

- - - - - - - -

... I've had enough.

So, how many hurdles must one overcome before one realizes that maybe we're not as strong inside as we really thought we were. This seems to be one incessant thought that continues on and on in my head right now. How strong am I to handle all these challenges that never seem to diminish? "That which does not kill you will only make you stronger" Must we always stand at the precipice of death before we learn how we can truly shine? The one thing that I would like for myself is the ability to cry. I think that through all the hardships that I went through when I was younger, I have become numb to the truly deep emotions or at least to their expression. So many times I've wanted to cry and scream and shout and just rage, but I've become numb to such extremes. It's sometimes funny when people say, you don't understand what I'm going through, it's true, I can only empathize and sympathize, but I don't believe they should compare their experiences to mine. As time goes on, my whole philosophy of, "Everything will turn out alright in the end" is dissapating, like smoke in the wind. Slowly, slowly, I'm becoming bitter of the life that has been handed to me. Optimistic is fine, but how far can that rainbow of ideals, pardon the pun, extend? When I'm being pulled by an uncontrollable string to places where I don't want to go and am compelled to by my emotions and my ties. I wish I didn't feel this way about him, I wish she didn't have ish with my other friends, I wish I didn't have to go to work, I wish I wasn't on Academic Probation, I wish I had worked harder my freshman year.

- - - - - - - -

Yur dumb... You know I like you

How do you find out how strong inside you really are? Is it through your actions? Is it through your thoughts? Is it a combination of both? It's funny how other people can perceive you.

- - - - - - - -

I was telling my friend how stressed out I was today, and all he said was something along the lines of, "You were stressed out? I didn't see it. You were busy running around the room." If you are in a position of leadership, you can NEVER show people weakness, never. But it is different when you are around someone who cares about you and vice versa. With them you can share you innermost thoughts and feelings, it's OK to show fear and indecision.

- - - - - - - -

It's funny how people can confess their LOVE for you and the next minute leave you for someone else. Doesn't that just demean the meaning of love and relationships? I think people need to stop saying they love you unless they really mean it and it will take them at least a couple of months to recover from the feelings of losing you. That at least makes it a bit more meaningful and not so petty. I guess that would be a sort of sado-masochist approach, BUT it's better than having to meet these hypocrites. And no, I'm not jaded... yet. LoLz. I wish people would just tell me how they feel inside, so that I know where to come from. If they're not interested then fine, if they are then fine. Not that this applies now, but I find that it's happened to me a couple of times before already, so I decided that I wanted to bitch about it ahead of time just in case.

Wow, this is an ego booster if I ever saw one myself (all acounts in this entry are true AOL IM's, although some cutting out has been done) Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individual:

Ian: hey cutie
Kevin: not so bad yurself, sexy, lolz
Ian: =) u know
Kevin: wassup?
Ian: u looked good at dietrick or whatever u spell it
Kevin: whuteverz
Ian: hehe
Kevin: just coz i wasn't wearing glasses?
Ian: just complimenting
Kevin: and what does that mean? i didn't look OK b4? lolz
Ian: i love thge new hair the color is great
Kevin: thanks, i think, lol
Ian: ahha i love it
Kevin: like i said, yur dressing kinda better nowadays
Ian: my hair is funky, i need a new style, thanx i guess, hehe i learned as u said how to dress
...
Kevin: i was just thinking back how it would have been... *shrugs*
Ian: yeah, Me too sometimes, sometimes i feel i took the wrong path and could or should have gone other ways. Just want u to know Kevin ur good looking =0)
Kevin: :P
Ian: and ur a great guy, Just want u to know this
Kevin: thanks Ian
Ian: and u deserve a good guy who will treat u incredibly and i know u will get him =0)
Kevin: lolz the gude guys are all taken [or not interested]

I guess this was a productive night. And no, I am no longer interested in Ian. Although like I said, I used to wonder how it could have been. KEY WORD: "used to". He played on me, however... enough said.

So, it seems that one of my close friends is also having trouble with her relationship. Actually, after last night's ranting, I think that I have been left numb and indifferent. It's sad because somehow I can feel the emotions slowly draining out of me. All the excitement, all the energy, all the possibility, all the ideals, all the romance... I feel it ebbing into numbness. Maybe it's just because I'm sane at the moment or maybe it's just because I woke up. Damn, am I manic-depressive or what (no, I'm just DRAMA)? He he He he. OK, so I still manage to bust out jokes, I guess today's not going to be a very bad day after all.

I don't know how much more of this roller coaster ride I can handle. First it's depression, then it's happiness, then it's depression again, then happiness. The primary problems that I have being school, money, and relationships. School and money are really no big thing, I've never really stressed too much about those two things, now relationships are a whole different matter altogether. I think people are DRIVEN to make me insane or have me kill myself. I think there's an ongoing conspiracy to play with my heart and step on it. I can just feel it in the back of my heart. Jaded you say? I don't think so. I remember what I used to say when I was younger, I just have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. I was just telling my friend about how i wish that I could just look into people's hearts and minds and just discover their ulterior motives, so I can weed out the good people from the bad people. What drives people to cheat or fool around on people who love them so much? What drives people to ignore people who just feel so much emotion for them? How, exactly, do you tell someone you like that you like them, even if you know somehow they are out of your reach? People are always saying, take a chance. How many chances? As many as it takes. Well, FUCK YOU, you put your heart on the line and you tell me how easy it is. I used to believe in true love. Until someone taught me that true love is not true love and it does not cross all boundaries. And you, if you ever read this, you know who you are, if you don't you're a fucknut. I LIKE YOU, get the message? How honest do you need me to be?

TIMELESS
a single glance to catch my breath
quiet whispers on an empty bed
mystery unfolds when you least expect it
tell me the secret to your heart
i'll speak to you the words that break the parts
listen to the cliche of the beating heart
love, it needs love
hold still, and it will become timeless

You like that shit? I wrote that. Maybe I should write myself out as a commercial. "Baby, if you get with me, you will get these things":

1. Someone to love
2. Someone who will think about you
3. Someone who will write you poems about how wonderful and lovable you are
4. Someone to comfort you when the whole world seems to be against you
5. Someone who will hold your hand when it is raining outside
6. Someone who will cook for you
7. Someone who will respect your opinions, but acknowledge that they have opinions of their own
8. Someone who will not play with your heart
9. Someone who is NOT perfect
10. Someone who cannot fit all the good and bad things he can do for you in a list.

Anyway, this is how sappy I can get. OK, so I'm reading over what I wrote and I feel stupid. There is this HUGE temptation in me to just erase it all, but then again, that's how I feel at the moment, so fuck it!

I feel so numb right now... just numb... I just don't want to feel anything anymore... Fuck life... It's just like one hardship after another is being hauled at me, being thrown at me at light speed and I can't do anything to stop it. Why do I have to be gay? Why do I have to be in college? I wish I could just end it right now...