So, it's a game of touch and go...no touch, no go! he he he. Relationships are really a roller coaster ride huh? I look at the relationship that my best friends have an I smile. Sure they have their problems but they seem to go out of their way to solve them. In Gurl's (not her really name) ten months that they have been together, they have both threatened to break up at least five times. The playgirl has settled into a relationship and confessed that she can't imagine herself NOT being in one. In Regina's relationship, they have been together since my sophomore year, halloween or around that time. They withstood a long distance relationship for over a year. Sure she says that she tires of him and has to go on long drives every so often, but she still likes him a lot. In Lillian's relationship, she has been with her guy for about six months now. The one most skeptical about relationships is in yet ANOTHER one. These girl's have people to come home to. And here is Kevin, pining away. Always waiting for the right person to come around. It's like a dream sometimes, you have these images of these people who have the potential to be someone special in your life but it never seems to reach fruition. Why not? Is it because I have too many expectations? I don't think so. Is it because I pick the wrong people? I don't think so. What is it then? Maybe it's just that people are not willing to take the effort. Am I not worth the effort? I certainly think that they are. *shrug* Sometimes I reach a point past sadness that it simply becomes numbness, like you've been beat down over the head so many times that your pain receptors are too traumatized to make the jump to the next one. Every one of my friends say that I am so wonderful, that the guy who gets me will be one of the luckiest guys in the world, unfortunately (these guys), they might not see it that same way. So how is it to go? Left, right, up, or down? Where do we ("we" being figurative) go from here? I'd rather be alone and lonely than be in a relationship that does not suit me. My heart has been broken and abused too many times to simply let it get crushed underneath the need to be in a relationship.

On to other things... Krys and I were talking about funerals, quite morbid if I do say so myself. But he was saying that if he had moved on the next world, he would want "In My Life" by the Beatles to be played at his funeral. And I thought, what sad song would I like played on my funeral day? I thought about the saddest song that I knew and one couldn't come to mind, instead I thought about the Jungle song, the one that goes, "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight..." or "Kiss The Girl" from The Little Mermaid, another one that just came to mind was "That's What Friends Are For." He he he, happy songs. I don't think that I've lived a perfect, happy, life, but I think I've been lucky enough to have been blessed with such wonderful friends and family that it makes all the difference.

Payce.

P.S. Who said YOU could read this?!?

Hmmmm, it's been a whirlwind week since Monday... I can't believe I feel this way after so long. Just two days ago I was so doubtful and sad and I lost all hope, now I feel almost the completely opposite way. The funny thing is that it was totally unexpected, who would have thought that it would happen to me? So much doubt and insecurity, I don't think that will ever completely stop, not even when you're in a relationship, unless you've been in it for a while. But I'm scared, how many times have I had my heart broken? Too fuckin many. But hell, like my best friend said, "love like you've never been loved." I'm NOT saying that I'm in love with him, but I like him a lot... But who is to give love a limitation, why can't you fall in love so quickly, I guess it's because you don't really know too much about them. But I get worried that he will play on me, he is a very charismatic guy and he seems quite flirtatious. It's NOT that I don't trust him... I think it's just that's it's happened to me a couple of times already that I'm still afraid that it will happen again. He is so honest and sweet with me, I haven't been so open with my feelings in so long, not even with my last ex, he makes me feel like I can tell him anything. At the same time I am scared because I know a lot of guys are scared off when one is so honest or open with them, which is kind of stupid, but guys are like that. At a point I don't even want to talk about him with others because I don't want to jinx it, I don't want to build it up so much and yet I'm just sometimes brimming with happiness. Although sometimes I feel that he doesn't have time for me, he's always busy hopping from place to place that the only time we talk is at the wee hours of the morning, not that I mind and not that I should make demands on anyone so early on, I don't even think that I should be making demands, but that's how I feel, and how you feel is never wrong, so my best friend says. I have so many good things to say, but I have to get ready for class for now.

There's just no avoiding it... I'm cursed. Where the fawk can I find a decent guy in this day and age? Fawk. Fawk. Fawk. How can you even trust a gay person any further than you can throw them? All hoes and trickz. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

Had quite a busy day today. It did rain, as my friend Krys predicted, HOWEVER, it did not rain for very long. He said it would rain yesterday, but it didn't until nighttime. The sun came out at around 11:00am just as we got to the last half of practice for P(ilipino) C(ulture) N(ight). Even i can't believe it, I'm in PCN, in just a few weeks I will be standing and performing for family and friends at the Bren Events Center. Barely a year ago I watched as my best friend danced on that same stage and I envied her for being part of that family. Who would have thought that I would get to meet such a dynamic group of people that I could feel comfortable calling my second family. I'm glad I gave myself the chance to get to know as many of them as I could, I can't believe how much I would have missed out on if I hadn't. Oh, and I also got to watch Save Ferris perform for Wayzgoose with my best friend.


Moving on to other things... I am beginning to shy away from the whole "gay scene" once again. I think I have hit the ebb of the exploration stage. It seems every couple of months or so I go on this binge, to explore the "scene" once more and see if anything has changed. Unfortunately, each and every time I run into promiscuous people who have nothing to seemingly offer except their one-track minds or their built bodies. It seems that nothing has changed, it doesn't seem like it ever will. However, I must admit that I have met a few individuals that have stood out and made me think a lot about myself and my relationships in regards to my friends and other gay people. It's saddening to see teenagers who try to commit suicide (I was at the point once in my life as well) and whenever I do I try to show them that there is something more out there, that it's not all about superficiality and baseness.

So, I messed up again. Just when I was starting to open up to someone, I had to go and mess it up. Of course, it's typical. Just when you actually meet a decent person who might actually make a difference in your life, you fuck up. At the same time, I'm kind of relieved that we are having problems because it's one less heartache that I escaped. I don't know, I haven't met him, we haven't seen each other face to face, and yet I somehow want to be a part of his life. I know I'm not getting attached too quickly because unlike other gay people, I can actually pace myself and know where I need to go. But still, it's like I'm burning my own bridges. How do you really know though when you are falling for someone? Do you think about them endlessly, like a beating heart that's always there. Are they just somehow constantly out of reach, like a dream in the wee hours of the morning?


Today was one of those bad days. It wasn't completely horrible, but it was up there with atrocious... or is that worse than horrible? I think I was on my "down" from last Saturday. The day started out OK, but by midday, I was gloomy and in a bad mood. Not to mention that the guy I used to like was on campus with my friend. Nothing worse than seeing someone you DON'T want to see on your home-turf. I tried calling a couple of people, I didn't really know whether I wanted to be around people or not, but I eventually didn't have a choice because I had to go to work. I was training the new girl because our Head Receptionist sucks at training people. Basically I've trained most of the workers at the salon. Then the rest of the night I just spent on talking to random people.

There are a couple of things going on with my friends. Some of them have issues going on, one can't talk to the other about it. I wish I could just sit all of them down and get it out in the open, but no, none of them seem to want to do that. What can I do? They say that things are just too far gone to be fixed by sitting down and talking about it. It's just hard sitting there and feeling like you're right in between things. I have a feeling that it will one day just come crashing down on all of us if we don't do something about it.


I don't know what to do about that whole situation with the guy that I used to like. I want to tell my friend that he's a player, but I also feel that it's not my place to be telling anyone anything. Maybe they deserve each other. Sometimes we want to protect the ones we care about, but sometimes we also want to just let them be. All I can really say is that things happen for a reason, maybe one day I'll find out what the reason for this occurrence is/was. In the meantime, I am still out there seeing what's right for me. I've met a LOT of wonderful people, ones that know how to treat me right... however, I think that the question is now figuring out exactly who it is that will make me happy. I ask my friends if I'm doing something wrong, I don't think that I'm leading anyone on, but still... I hate this whole dating thing... Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find anyone that is right for me... I used to wonder when I was younger if I'd ever find someone that would be right for me. My friend Linda said the most wonderful thing to me last Sunday (or was it yesterday?). We were talking about our views about relationships... and she just straight up said, "The person who gets you will be the luckiest person on earth." Good Lord, if only other people could see that. he he he. I think that was such a wonderful gesture, it's not often that people can see right inside of you. I'm talking to my "ex." Sometimes I wonder if we should give it a second try, but it seems that he is happy as he is. I'm a little sad about it, but I guess it's all for the best. A closed chapter is a closed chapter.

"A bold, self-improvement program requires more courage and commitment than you realize. But you won't regret the pain when others recognize the changes, embrace and reward you. In a perfect world, everyone would look beneath one another's skin. But the reality is that we're all creatures who rely, perhaps too heavily, on our sense of sight,"So says my horoscope. I wonder if reading things like this actually make a difference in people's thoughts and mind processes? The more I deal with people, the more I realize and appreciate my friends and my family. The more I also realize how fake some people can get. Makes you realize who your real friends are. I went to a rave last Saturday, Audiotistic, and I didn't have such a great time because an "episode" happened between me and this guy that I used to like. Just as I was peaking it happened. And I believe that I was very bummed out. And the only thing that got me out of my sadness was thinking of my friends Eli, Justine, and Linda, about how much they loved me and cared for me. I am so blessed to have met such wonderful people. Not to say that other people haven't made me happy, but these people have made an impact in my life that I can't even begin to say how good they've been to me.